


51195 Hobbiton North Avenue

by thehyperactivesammich



Series: Thorin Oakenshield and Compurrnay [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe-Cats, Alternate Universe-Modern Setting, Gen, In which the dwarves are cats, i couldnt help it, yeah i know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 03:36:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/682285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thehyperactivesammich/pseuds/thehyperactivesammich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Bilbo Baggins, owner of The Shire Bookstore, has a bad day, but his thirteen cats eventually make it all better.</p><p> </p><p>((I'm not sorry))</p>
            </blockquote>





	51195 Hobbiton North Avenue

**Author's Note:**

> For M, who's fault this entire thing us in the first place. Once she planted the plot bunny in my head I was a slave to it. 
> 
> I've spent several days hashing this out and trying to have it make some sort of sense (I didn't manage the latter, but who cares)
> 
> I left the entire thing fairly loose and open because I may want to come back to this particular sandbox eventually.
> 
> Originally titled Thorin Oakenshield and Compurrnay.
> 
> Enjoy! (Feedback is always appreciated).

xxxxxxxxxx

Bilbo Baggins, owner of The Shire, a cozy little bookstore in the beautiful town of Dale, woke up at six-thirty a.m. on a Saturday morning to the sound of yowling.

He knew what it was-or rather, who it was-that was making such a God-awful noise so bloody early in the morning, as did he also know that as soon as he set foot outside the bedroom, he was going to be attacked (with love).

The male sighed to himself, resigned, as he pushed up into a sitting position and looked down at the floor, where sad brown puppy eyes stared back at him.

"I know, 'las. Sorry. I'll be back shortly. Do not chew on any of my things," Bilbo reassured and warned the young golden as he slid his feet into his slippers and padded across his room. He glanced down at the other dog bed in his room, and frowned.

"Thranduil, relax. This is their home, not yours," He reminded the growling Rottweiler. Thranduil broke off, laying his head back down and whining pathetically.

Bilbo shook his head, yawning, as he moved to open the bedroom door. The yowling abruptly stopped, followed by the sound of claws on hardwood floor, and Bilbo quickly slipped out into the hallway, slamming the door shut behind him before any one of the thirteen cats headed for him could get inside.

Thorin was the first to reach him, a combination of him being the fastest breed in the house and the fact that he'd been sitting at the end of the hallway, waiting for Bilbo to emerge (And possibly waiting for an opportunity to attack Thranduil). 

Following closely after was Dwalin, for the large Bengal cat was never far from Thorin. Bilbo long suspected Dwalin only really listened to him because Thorin recognized him as 'leader'.

Fíli and Kíli came barreling down the hallway next, pushing past the larger cats to rub at Bilbo's ankles, meowing loudly as they stared up at him pathetically.

The male mentally rolled his eyes at two of his youngest cats, kneeling down to scratch under Kíli's neck and run a hand over Fíli's back, before standing up and walking away from his bedroom.

The blonde was vaguely aware of the rest of his clowder following him down the hall and into the main part of the house. Ori, in particular, let out a pathetic mewl when Bilbo refused to let them in the bathroom while he took a shower. 

He could hear them all pacing around and meowing outside the door like they were about to die if Bilbo did not come out in the next instant. Bombur was the loudest, no doubt starving. The Maine coon ate entirely too much, all the time.

Bilbo turned on the shower, and shook his head when his cats began meowing louder to be heard over the spray of water.

It was going to be a long morning.

xxxxxxxxxx

Bilbo chuckled to himself as he stepped out of the shower eight minutes later to be greeted with the sight of paws sticking under the door. From the color, the blonde assumed Fíli, Kíli, Nori, Bifur, and Ori were the culprits. It was just best to ignore them; they would stop soon enough.

The bookstore owner washed his hands, drying them off as he thought to himself. He had to be at The Shire no later then eleven thirty, for Frodo was opening this morning, and Pippin had been scheduled to help him out.

Bilbo paused. Maybe he should go in early; Pippin was enthusiastic, and when Merry was around to ground him, he worked hard, but Merry was visiting family in Bree this weekend and the blonde shivered at the state his bookstore would be in if Pippin ran free.

...Yes, the male decided firmly, he was going to go in early. And bring Legolas and Thranduil with him, for he did not repeat of the Wrecked House Incident of the previous year.

With that problem solved, Bilbo moved to open the door, wincing when Oin didn't get out of the way fast enough. He most likely hadn't heard Bilbo open the door; he was one of the elder cats and he was almost completely deaf. 

To pacify the indignant and protesting cat, Bilbo scooped the Turkish Angora into his arms as he stepped over and around his twelve other felines, nudging Kíli out of the way when the black Norwegian Forest cat refused to get out of his path.

With Thorin at his heels and the rest of the clowder following after, Bilbo made his way into the kitchen. Bombur's meows were getting louder and louder, and each sounded as if he was actually starving.

Bilbo knew he wasn't. He spoiled the Maine coon, who had been the second cat to come live with him. In Bombur's case, that meant practically all the food he could eat (Although Bilbo did have a limit on how much he fed the fluffy feline. It was just a very large one).

The blonde set Oin down on what had quickly became the cats' counter after Dori and Nori had found their way into his home. He scratched the grey cat behind the ear lightly, watching as Bombur, Ori, Kíli, and Bofur jumped up onto the counter as well, using the scratching post as a step stool.

"I gather you're all hungry?" He smiled when thirteen different voices answered him, Bombur's the loudest while Thorin just made a quiet chirping meow.

Feeding thirteen different cats had been, at first, a hassle, until Bilbo had finally figured out how to combine their preferred diets with his need to keep them healthy. It had taken a few months, but Bilbo had nailed it down without too much stress on his part.

His wealthy family background had helped, as well. Cat food was not cheap, and feeding thirteen cats? Well, Bilbo was just grateful that Kíli and Fíli ate whatever Thorin did, Ori ate what Dwalin did, and Bombur inhaled anything Bilbo set down in front of him with practically no complaints.

By now, Bilbo had perfected the morning feeding routine in the kitchen: feed Bombur first, Balin second, Thorin third, Dwalin fourth. Fifth he would feed whoever got up on the counter, and finally he'd feed the remaining cats on the floor.

It worked well enough, and the only hitch in the routine happened whenever Kíli and Fíli decided to be difficult and complain (Thorin, Dwalin, and Balin all took turns smacking them with their paws whenever this happened).

As soon as he had set out all thirteen dishes, Bilbo escaped the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. He was going to take this opportunity to let Legolas and Thranduil outside. With the cats successfully distracted, it would hopefully be an easy task.

If he had let them roam about the house while trying to get the two dogs outside, well...he would have been paying a visit to Elrond at the vet clinic instead of heading to work.

Bilbo hurried back down the hallway, opening his bedroom door and letting both dogs out into the hallway.

Legolas was jumping up on him in seconds, barking excitedly, while Thranduil was pacing around him, sniffing the floor and growling.

A chorus of yowling and hissing started up in the kitchen, and Bilbo resigned himself to the fact that he would not be getting to work early.

Of course, as soon as the cats started making noise, Thranduil was snarling and barking, and Bilbo grabbed him by the collar and dragged him to the back door, Legolas following after, chasing their heels and barking playfully. Everything was still a game to the young golden, and Bilbo did not need that right now.

The shop owner managed to get the back door open, herd Thranduil and Legolas outside, then promptly close the door. The barking stopped, and Bilbo watched through the window as Legolas tried to climb on the older dog's back, ultimately failing and ending up sprawled on his back on the ground. 

Bilbo chuckled to himself. As often as he wanted to strangle Gandalf for dumping Thranduil and Legolas in his lap every two weeks while he went off on his "business trips", the store owner did really like the golden and Rottweiler.

He just wished his cats could at least ignore the dogs whenever they were in the house, instead of starting an all-out war, which Gandalf was only ever amused about.

Half the time Bilbo suspected his eccentric friend made up a few of his trips as an excuse to leave his dogs with Bilbo and reap endless amusement.

It was very much a Gandalf thing to do.

xxxxxxxxxx

At exactly eleven on the dot, Bilbo arrived at The Shire, both dogs in tow.

"Uncle!" Frodo called cheerfully from the register where he and Pippin were making labels for a shipment of books that had just come in.

"Good morning boys," Bilbo greeted, kneeling to unhook Legolas' leash from the golden's collar. "Can you two watch Legolas for a bit while I go put Thranduil in the back?"

"Of course Mister Bilbo!" Pippin flashed him a smile as he scratched behind the puppy's ears. Legolas had headed straight for Bilbo's young employees and climbed in the Took's lap.

"I'll be right back," The middle-aged male called over his shoulder as he led Thranduil up the stairs to the second floor. "And Pippin, you better have already checked for any price markdowns or I'm going to have your hide!"

Frodo's bell-like laugh echoed from below, and Bilbo quirked his upper lip as he walked into his office, unclipping Thranduil from his lead and shutting the door behind him.

"Let's see who felt they absolutely had to reach me today, hmm?" Bilbo asked the Rottweiler, petting his head when Thranduil rested it on his thigh.

The blonde hit the speakerphone button, dialed his voicemail, and leaned back in his chair.

xxxxxxxxxx

Gandalf called at one thirteen pm exactly.

"My dear Bilbo! How are you today?" The businessman asked cheerfully, and Bilbo had a sudden urge to scream into the receiver and chuck his phone at the wall.

He did neither of those things.

"When are you coming back?" Bilbo nearly demanded, and Gandalf tsked at him down the phone. That alone made his fingers tighten on the edge of his desk. He hated it when his friend was patronizing.

"Bilbo! Is that anyway to greet a dear friend when they call you?"

"I don't greet dear friends like that," Bilbo said cheekily, leaning back in his chair. "Just you."

"None of that, now!" Bilbo could practically hear his old friend frowning. "How are Thranduil and Legolas?"

"They're doing okay for being cooped up in my room or outside all the time," The bookstore owner replied honestly, casting a glance down at the dog by his side. "Which brings me back to my original question- when are you coming back?"

"I should be back sometime tonight!" Gandalf said pleasantly, causing Bilbo to fumble with the phone. "I am on a train now."

"Wha-? You couldn't have given me a day's notice or something?" The blonde demanded, smacking his hand down on the table and wincing when it began to throb. "Were you even going to tell me, or just show up at my door like you always do?"

"...I don't do that," The businessman sounded like he was pouting.

"YES YOU DO!!!!"

The office door opened, and Frodo stuck his head in. "Uncle Bilbo, is everything okay...?"

"I'm fine," Bilbo held a hand over the speaker. "Tell Pippin to start an inventory of the fantasy books, please. Kids tore through that area yesterday."

"Right," His nephew gave him a thumbs-up, his brown curls disappearing and the door shutting behind him.

"Was that Frodo?" Gandalf asked when Bilbo put the phone back to his ear. "Do tell him I say hello."

"...I don't even want to know how you do that," Bilbo said, and hung up.

He resisted the urge to throw his phone at the wall and instead screamed into his hands.

xxxxxxxxxx

Gandalf called back sixteen times, and Bilbo hit ignore every time his phone began to vibrate.

Screw being old family friends, next time Gandalf had to go on one of his "business trips" he called just leave Thranduil and Legolas with Bard, Bilbo's next door neighbor. Bard was a dog person, and he had two of his own.

It was a much more logical decision then leaving two dogs with the guy who had thirteen attention-demanding cats.

Which just further proved Bilbo's hypothesis was correct, and Gandalf really was amused by the mutual-hatred and war going on between Thorin and Thranduil.

Bilbo scowled at the bookcase in front of him when his phone began to buzz for the seventeenth time, and he pressed and held the END button until it turned off.

Then promptly threw it across the store and winced when Pippin yelped in pain from the autobiography section and Legolas started whining.

Today was not his day.

xxxxxxxxxx

Fifteen minutes before The Shire closed, the owner of the posh, organic tea shop next door walked in.

Well, Isengard fronted as a tea shop. Bilbo had never been inside, but from what he gathered from his gossipy customers it was also sort of a new-agey, mystical shop selling 'magical' artifacts and boasting ways to help you 'find the true meaning of life'.

Isengard's owner and sole employee, Saruman Whit, was very posh and mystical himself. He constantly wore white robes (Bilbo didn't know how he kept them clean, he probably lived in a bubble or something), sandals with socks, and talked like he was better then you.

He was also much taller then Bilbo, and sort of just sneered down at him whenever they crossed paths.

Which, of course, begged the question of what exactly Saruman was doing in his store.

"Mister Baggins."

Bilbo gritted his teeth and turned around, smiling politely at the older gentleman as Frodo and Pippin practically ran up the stairs, dragging Legolas with them, to go hide in the office.

He was so going to dock their pay for leaving him to fend for himself.

"Saruman." His tone was painfully void of emotion, to his surprise. "What could I possibly do for you?"

The posh male practically sneered down at him, features pinched. "I find myself in awe of your store, Mister Baggins. It has a wonderful layout and is remarkably cozy."

Bilbo was sure there was an insult hidden in there somewhere. He glanced over Saruman's shoulder at the clock. Eleven minutes to five. "Thank you."

Saruman made a noise that Bilbo would consider a huff on anyone else. "I found myself admiring this remarkable little store and wondering if you had any plans of selling."

Bilbo froze, and his blood pressure shot through the roof. OH NO HE DIDN'T.

"I can assure you," Bilbo said in a locked tone, fingers flexing by his side. "That if I did, there would be a sign in the front door. Now, if you would be so kind, we're closing soon."

This time Saruman did sneer at him, and swept from the store, his impractical robes swishing behind him.

Bilbo choked out a word and chucked a nearby clipboard at the closing door.

From the landing, Pippin's voice echoed around the store. "I didn't know your uncle swore, Frodo."

Legolas whined loudly.

xxxxxxxxxx

By the time Bilbo pulled into his driveway, the blonde had managed to calm himself down.

Legolas placing his head in Bilbo's lap as he sprawled across the passenger seat had helped a lot, if he was being honest.

Bilbo scratched the golden's head once before climbing out of the car, both dogs following him rather obediently through the garden to the backyard.

Bilbo had closed the door that led from the back hallway to the front part of the house this morning and, unless Fíli and Kíli had figured out how to open it (they would, one of these days), the blonde could get both dogs into his bedroom without a battle starting between Thorin and Thranduil.

The yowling started as soon as Bilbo unlocked the back door, and he could hear the Company (as Frodo jokingly referred to his clowder as) scratching at the hall door.

A trip to the hardware store was in order, then.

"No you don't," Bilbo said firmly as he grasped Thranduil's collar before he could go bounding off towards the hall door. "You are NOT destroying my house, mister, don't give me that look. In you go," He ushered the large dog into his bedroom. "Legolas!" He called, and the young golden came bounding in the house, tail wagging as he skidded across the floor and rolled into the bedroom, looking proud of himself.

Bilbo just chuckled. "Behave yourselves," He warned the dogs, and shut the bedroom door firmly.

Time to go face the music.

Literally.

xxxxxxxxxx

They swarmed around his ankles the second Bilbo opened the hall door, meowing and chirping and purring and trying to climb into his arms.

The blonde knelt down and grabbed the first two cats his fingers met, ending up with Bifur and Gloin in his arms. The russet-colored tail-less Manx was meowing at him and butting his shoulder affectionately while the slightly cross-eyed Korat was staring at him in what Bilbo assumed was a way to convey he was glad Bilbo was home.

Bifur had always been a little odd.

"Calm down, guys," The blonde said affectionately to the other eleven felines milling about his ankles. Already the last of the anger in his being was chased out by just the presence of his clowder. "Let's get you fed."

At the word 'fed' Bombur meowed loudly, looking as pathetic as possible.

"Yes, yes I hear you. Kíli! Stop stepping on Fíli's tail! No, Ori, don't climb on Dwalin..." Bilbo herded his felines into the kitchen, Gloin draped around his shoulders and Bifur secure in his arms. "NORI DO NOT BITE DORI'S TAIL!"

The Chartreux just meowed innocently up at him as the fluffy white Persian next to him hissed and batted him over the head.

"No, don't-" Bilbo set Bifur and Gloin down on the counter, sweeping up the blue-grey cat before he could retaliate. "I just got home, and you guys are already trying to pull shit with me?"

Nori meowed at him, hopping out of Bilbo's arms to go curl up on top of the fridge as he was won't to do every now and then.

The blonde just sighed, looking down to meet the golden gaze of his Egyptian Mau. "What am I going to do with you guys?" He teased.

Thorin just meowed indignantly back, rubbing his head against Bilbo's shins before going to sit next to his food bowl pointedly.

"Alright, alright!" Bilbo held his hands up and began to collect each cat's dish, causing a rumbling of purrs to erupt in the kitchen.

One day, Bilbo thought firmly to himself as he pulled the food bins out of the cupboards, he really was going to stop spoiling them so much.

xxxxxxxxxx

EPILOGUE

Gandalf arrived at 8:12 pm exactly, knocking on Bilbo's front door firmly.

Thorin, who'd been lightly napping at his feet, raised his head, tail flicking back and forth with feigned interest.

The human chuckled, scratching behind Thorin's right ear and putting his book aside. The rest of the clowder, spread all across the living room, did not get up. Instead they only followed his movements with their eyes as he pulled open the front door.

"Bilbo!" Gandalf said cheerfully, eyes twinkling with merriment. "How are you this fine-"

"Legolas and Thranduil are in the back yard," Bilbo cut him off. "In the future, please ask Bard if he can dog sit before coming to me. Have a good night."

With that, the bookstore owner swung the door shut and headed back to the couch.

He had a mystery to finish reading.

**Author's Note:**

> In case you were wondering:  
> Thorin-Egyptian Mau  
> Dwalin-Bengal  
> Balin-Highlander  
> Bofur-Japanese Bobtail  
> Bombur-Maine coon  
> Bifur-Korat  
> Oin-Turkish Angora  
> Gloin-Manx  
> Ori-Munchkin  
> Dori-Persian  
> Nori-Chartreux  
> Fíli and Kíli-Norwegian Forest Cats


End file.
